It's been a year since

When the journey was together

By Geetanjali Vikram Kirloskar

I can’t believe it’s been one year since Vikram left me. Forever. I can’t believe he is never coming back. Feels like he is in the gym, he will walk in with a smile after - “what’s up?”. And the exchange will start. 

Now, there is an uncanny silence. A strange void. You have to go through loss to know the feeling and the state of shock that follows. Then feel life shatter into a million pieces. Grief takes you to the depths of sadness like never before. 

It’s been a very hard year. The walk alone is not easy. After 40 years, suddenly in one moment, my life changed. I woke up in the morning to find I was alone, and going to be for the rest of my life. 

There were many learnings along the way. Acceptance. When you can’t change your destiny, you can change how you deal with it. So, stay positive. Relook at life. Weigh the options and see how you need to move forward. Most importantly, find a purpose. One that you can manage alone. One that you can own. For me, it became important to carry forward Vikram’s legacy, work, and network of warm relationships, all of which held Manasi and me through our most trying period ever. And I enjoyed doing that. It made me feel he is with me, that we are still walking the path together. 

I thought through how I wanted to move ahead on doing this. Fortunately, I have always had a career. Though it was different in a different field. I was an advertising professional, having run a company for 15 years. Later, however, I joined Vikram in the Holding company and worked to set up 2 smaller joint ventures with the Japanese: a hospital and an insurance brokerage company. 

Vikram and I discussed work and all major issues. We took decisions together, so it was not very hard. 

That’s my way of dealing with my loss. And become the best version of myself. 

I know that’s how Vikram would want it. He always said we should not have a defeatist attitude. Not focus on the deficit. Not complain or whine, wallow in self-pity. He said we must accept the reality and move ahead with confidence and conviction. Work hard and achieve. Stay honest and humble. 

It is what it is.

Sometimes, adversity brings out our potential. You can either realize it or sink in negativity and mourning. Kill your instinct to survive. 

My best tribute to Vikram is to work hard on his work and all he was passionate about. All that he built, and we shared. So, this is how I took my loss forward. 

Vikram built me up to be the person I am today. If I can look ahead and cope, it’s only because he helped me to stand firm. He was most indulgent, and very caring. I was the most pampered wife ever, but he never weakened my capability to grow. To evolve and to create my own space. I was never this strong or independent, nor this positive. But unknowingly, I imbibed his strength and his values. That has given me the courage to stand alone in the face of extreme adversity. It insulated me against the storms and the fires. To look at life in the eye and take it head-on. To let go of any anchors and prepare for the long uphill hike, alone. 

I always think of how Vikram will react when he sees me now! I want him to be as proud of me up there as he was of me down here. I want him to smile with the same indulgence and admiration as he did when I won an award at work or a game of golf; in anything that I succeeded in. He will be happy but also sad. My distress always worried him, and he would want to set things right so he could take care of me and bring the smile back on my face. But now, I need to wipe my tears. When he sees me coping, he may not worry. 

It’s not easy…Grief is not linear, it comes in waves. At the most unexpected moments. Let it come. Cry your lungs out without inhibition. But recover. Don’t give in to it. 

That’s most important. It’s like recovering from a run; the heartbeat and blood pressure must normalize after. But you still do the run. Again, and again. Every morning. 

What a brilliant, charming MIT engineer he was. How can I ever mourn him? 

Over the year, I continued to celebrate him. With his favourite wine parties of small groups of our friends who miss him deeply. Had a small concert at home of the music we both love. Went for the hike we had planned together. Took his work commitments forward with the same passion, participated and joined almost all the forums he had worked with, gave confidence to business partners of my continued support and contributions and of the same loyalty. I don’t only want to maintain it, I want to build on it. 

At times, I wanted to give up. But I pulled myself together and kept going. That’s how you climb mountains; that's how you scale the summit one day. Once when I went mountaineering, a sherpa told me in Nepal 17 years ago - when you are climbing a mountain, it's not the mountain you are conquering; you are conquering yourself. But you must stay alert, healthy, and agile, watch your back, and get up each time you slip. Remember, you can do it, make it up alone. Some of the best musicians in the world are soloists.

So, I learned to live with my grief; it’s become a part of me. 

This is what worked for me. Every person must deal with their loss and their state of mind in their way. It's very individual. 

2024 is another year. Everything around feels the same. Only I have changed. I can feel it inside me. I am stronger, firmer, in a way a little harder…I am a lot more selfish too, knowing now it’s only me and I need to write my own script. To be the central character of my story. That has made me more assertive. I am also much calmer, I can’t afford any imbalance. I have learned to stay grateful, we still have so much more than most. I don’t complain as much anymore. I don’t want to reupholster his armchair; sometimes, clinging to certain things makes you feel connected with the past and the person. 

The only thing guiding me and inspiring me is Vikram smiling from the heavens above. He believes in me, and I can’t let him down.

Watch a glimpse of our journey here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VvfJuID_gY